I am a thirty-two year old female. I lost my job in October. Trying to make a little extra money, I invested in a small business that failed in this faltering economy. I am a college student just beginning my third year. I can't afford my school books, I don't have any money for food, bills, clothing, and as a last-ditch-effort I started doing phone-sex.
It is humiliating, degrading, and disgusting. I talk about the most depraved things you could ever imagine and pretend that I enjoy it. I make about fifty dollars a week.... On a good week....
Right now, my cupboards are bare, I am hungry and my next class starts on Tuesday. I don't know what to do. I thought I'd try to get an internship... Those are few and far between. There are no jobs that I am qualified for. Hell, even Hardees doesn't want me for a biscuit maker... I am too old to be the barista that Starbucks wants in my beach-community town... and even Pet-co won't hire me to be an assistant groomer....
I don't have a bad employment history. I was a nurse, but a person who I thought loved me tried to murder me... literally. I was hit with a car while leaving my work because of a jealous rage brought about by a supposed infidelity that never occurred. And where is the American Justice System? That person did -no- jail time... Instead, they lived for a year in a cushy state hospital with all the pharmaceuticals they could want and -then- got a check from the government due to their obvious mental disability....
And me? This person had a shit-job, no insurance, no nothing. My medical bills aren't being paid... Hell, I can't even afford a doctor no matter how badly I hurt. I can't lift over 30 lbs (this is why I am back in college) and am suited only for a desk-job or a non-strenuous job that requires little physical effort... (Which... those are super hard to come by).
I am not a lazy person. I'm not overweight.... It's not like I'm not -willing- to work. Someone just has to take a chance on me.... And... I feel like no one will. I pray -every- single night... I don't only worry about me.... I have a small dog... God knows I worry what will happen if her food runs out before I can buy more. I'd rather starve myself than to starve my animal.... She has no choice in the matter.... I love her so much... I rescued her when I was a healthier, more productive woman. There is no way I could ever get rid of her.... I think I'd lose my mind.... she's such a comfort.... always there when I'm crying. These days, she eats sometimes when I don't.
I have a vehicle, but my drivers license is suspended for some speeding violations that I can't afford to pay... I am technically married but my husband and I have been apart for over 2 years. He is dating a 20 year old woman he was having sex with from his workplace and now she is pregnant with his child... He's little use. I have parents, god help them... they try to send me 20 dollars here and there to help with the grocery money. But, they are on a fixed income because my father has medical complications due to a lung disease acquired at his workplace. Then, as if it weren't enough - their home was hit by a devastating flood and they are trying so -very- hard to recover themselves.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I have nowhere to turn. I've applied for food-stamps and -pray- that I will get them. I have -never- been the benefit of any sort of welfare anything until now. If only I could find an internship... paid... If only I could pay off my tickets to help me get a job (I would even deliver pizza at this point...) If only my vehicle didn't need so many repairs... If only the environmentally friendly cleaning service didn't have so much competition that I can't find one single client.. If only, if only, if only.....
I am so sick of the 'if-only's
I'm really not sure what I expect from posting on this. There are -so- many people who -need- help. Perhaps I'm only seeking to rant in a place where people can commiserate. I actually found this site by typing in a Google search window, "I need food and money" and hitting... I'm feeling lucky....
But I'm not feeling lucky. I'm feeling anything but. My classes are over 1000 dollars each. If I don't pass Cultural Anthropology with a C I could lose my funding for awhile. Without a book.... I don't think I can pass. More and more 'if-only's'. I have cried myself to sleep so many days since last October.
I lived on my income tax return making it stretch for nearly three months... but... that's gone... I hate to ask my poor parents for any money. I was raised in a Christian home. I can't even begin to tell you how much the phone-sex line distresses me. I feel like I have hit the lowest point I have ever been.
While I desperately wanted a child from my husband, I am so glad that he didn't give me one. I'm no less jealous of the other woman.... It seems he is trying to be the man to her that he refused to be for me. That hurts too. Pray for me. Dear, God- pray for me.
I'm so lost and undone, and I don't know where to turn or what to do. So many people need help... need money... the food pantries in the area are empty.... and.... there are so many mothers with young children. I almost feel guilty even -asking- for assistance when children are suffering.
Surely, surely this can't last forever. I'm so heartsick. If you read this... if you do... please pray for me... I beg you. I pray for myself but feel that my prayers are going nowhere... And why should they? I might as well be a prostitute... This phone-sex stuff is so nasty... so vile... so beneath me.... And yet... if it weren't for that meager 50-100 bucks every two weeks... I would have nothing. Absolutely nothing.
